


Isn't this what I wanted

by Monday_Writes (Lol_bnhalover)



Series: Eddsworld heavy angest [2]
Category: Eddsworld - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Author Is Sleep Deprived, Blood and Gore, Depression, Eventual Happy Ending, Fights, Flashbacks, Ghost Tord, Gore, Guilt, How Do I Tag, M/M, Nightmares, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, POV Second Person, Panic Attacks, Tags Are Hard, Tags May Change, Tom is a Sweetheart, Triggers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-17
Updated: 2020-01-03
Packaged: 2021-02-07 13:48:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,738
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21459073
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lol_bnhalover/pseuds/Monday_Writes
Summary: Three months after tords death, tom is still getting around the constant guilt and depression that threaten to drown him. Edd hates him and matt doesn't know what to think.
Relationships: Edd/Matt (Eddsworld), Tom/Tord (Eddsworld)
Series: Eddsworld heavy angest [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1571263
Comments: 3
Kudos: 26





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is a follow up for a fanfic called 'A billion ways to die' by Ellsworld-tori on wattpad. You don't have to read it, but this might make more sense. Chapter 14 BTW since its a shot book.

Tom stared down at the envelope in his hands, an uneasy feeling at the official government stamp. Bruises littering his body and tears burning his eyes. Matt sat on the other couch glaring daggers at him. Who would blame him though? Sobs drifted faintly through the wall. God, why did he do it? Why did he hurt him? 

This isn't what he wanted, the guilt, sadness. The constant nightmares and panic attacks. Being yelled at by those who he no longer had the right to call his friends. They weren't his friends, he had none. He'd given up his friends and family the day he decided to throw Tord off the roof.

For two years he thought that that's what needed to be done. After all, tord had blown up their house, almost killed them and tried to take over the world. When Tom had first thought he killed him he wasn't bothered. No, why would he? Tord was a horrible person, he had no choice. But this time he knew why. Why guilt and depression followed. Because Tord hadn't done anything to deserve it, tom had just been to narrow minded to see that. Tord had changed, became more nice and caring. Hell, he'd even tried to be tom's friend. It wasn't until tord was dead that Tom realized the mistake he made.

Now edd hated him, yelling and screaming at him at any given time. When he wasn't he would hardly socialize with the killer. As edd put it 'I'm only being nice because that's what tord would've wanted'. Matt didn't say much and apparently didn't have a strong opinion on tom. The most he'd do was glare or say some rude comments. On the other hand, he was the only one who stopped edd from beating him up and the only one to help tom through a panic attack or nightmare.

"Are you just gonna stare into space all day or are you gonna open it? I mean, it is your 'prize' for a job well done." Matt said suddenly, snapping tom from his thoughts. Tears fell as he registered Matt's last comment. Tom bit the inside of his cheek until he could taste copper.

"It's not a prize.." he mumbled, slightly offended. Matt was right though, he was basically being given a reward for ending Tord's life. Shaking fingers gently opened the envelope, pulling out a neatly folded paper and debit card.

The letter, in short, congratulated tom for killing tord, who was actually the red leader. Tord had left his army years ago, but apparently, the authorities didn't know. Or didn't care. When Edd found the letter he'd attacked tom with quick punches and angry tears until matt forcefully dragged him off and made him explain. 

"How much money is on this thing?" Matt asked dryly. Disinterest was blatant on his face.

"1,500,000 pounds…" he breathed. He knew tord had a big number over his head but he never imagined this… what would he do with all this money? He bit the inside on his check upon remembering Tord. 

"What you do with this money may lead to edd ending you, so I'd choose wisely," Matt said. It was true. He didn't dare spend it on himself, edd might see that as in insult. But what could he do with over £1,000,000?

"Maybe I can buy us a house?" He said though It came out as more of a question. Matt raised an eyebrow. 

"That not only insinuates that your fine sharing a space with edd, but that either me or edd would want to live with you. Pretty bold of you" matt said, crossing his arms. Tom looked down in shame. He thought that matt at least somewhat cared for him. How nieve… Who would care foot him?

"I- I thought you…" Tom stammered, but was cut off by matt.

"Just because I'm not screaming insults at you like edd doesn't mean I like you" Toms head snapped up and he had a look of pain in his eyes. "I don't hate you, but I don't like you either. Edd wouldn't want to share a house with you anyways"

Tom didn't respond. More tears fell from his eyes as he sat in silence. What could he do? Everyone hated him and he didn't know how to fix his mistakes. He hiccupped softly and desperately held back sob's. He didn't have the right to cry. A hand gently wiped his tears away, and he looked up to find matt a lot closer than before. 

"Look, I'll talk to edd about it, alright? Can't promise he'll say yes but it's better if I ask him." Matt said in that soft voice that had tom melting in his hands. Tom sniffled and scrubbed his face to rid it of tears. He liked this, matt being nice and showing him a little love. 

"Thanks" he said, looking off to the side for a second. Matt settled back into his usual frown and left. Tom was alone with his own thoughts and guilt. Glancing at the mess he made during his fight with edd, tom sighed and rose to him feet. Might as well be productive.

______

"No!" Edd said. He crossed his arms and glared at matt like he'd just killed his parents. Matt sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. "I won't! I can't!"

"Edd, I love you, but must you be so difficult?" He asked. 

"Difficult? I'm sorry that I don't want to live with the person who killed my best friend!"

"Fine. Then what should he do with the money? Because right now he's trying to do the nice thing. I don't exactly like him either but I appreciate that he's trying." Edd opened his mouth, then shut it. Matt just wanted them all to be happy, and moping around the flat wouldn't fix their issues.

"Fine! But don't be surprised if I kick his ass!" Edd shouted in defeat, throwing his hands up. See? That wasn't so hard. Matt smiled softly and pecked his lips. 

"It'll be alright. Things are gonna get better I promise" he whispered softly, holding edd close and resting his chin atop a mop of messy hair. Edd didn't respond, simply enjoying his presence. 

—–———

Tom stuffed the last of his things into a shipping box. He went over a mental checklist, making sure he got everything; Clothes, Personal items, kitchen things, Susan, photo albums. Moving sure was hard, especially when almost everything served as a memory. 

Tom shook his head. Now wasn't the time, he needed to work. He grabbed the box and placed it with the rest of his things by the front door. Matt was chilling on his kitchen counter, scrolling through his phone. "That's everything?" 

"Yeah. When's the moving truck gonna get here?"

"Been here for twenty minutes Tom. They're just getting my stuff and Edd's." Tom squeaked in surprise and quickly rushed off with one of his boxes. Matt snickered at him, taking a box and calming leaving the flat.

____

"This is going to take a century and a half to unpack!" Edd said, pointing to the mountain of boxes that were stacked in their new living room. Tom had to agree. It took at least an hour to get everything into the house and put down all the big pieces of furniture, like the couch tom was currently sprawled out on. "Stop lying around and doing something!" He screamed at tom.

"I'm tired edd, I've been working and lifting things since yesterday. Not to mention I had to find this place," Tom said. His whole body was sore and his legs felt like jelly. Lazy or not tom needed a break. Unfortunately edd didn't seemed to care.

"You're tired? I'm fucking tired of having to put up with you! If we don't get this done now we never will! It was your idea to move anyways! Now stop being a lazy bitch and put your stuff in your room!" Edd snapped. Once he was done he stormed off with his own boxes in hand. Matt stared sympathetically before following his boyfriend. 

"M not lazy" Tom mumbled under his breath, forcing himself to stand and grab a box labeled 'Tom's clothes'. He ignored his pain as he moved the boxes into his new room. It was a nice size, with dull blue walls and even its own bathroom. He couldn't really appreciate it when he was trying not to collapse. He managed to get about 5 of his boxes out of the living room before he once again succumbed to the couch. He felt dizzy, like he was going to pass out at any moment.

"Tom! I thought I told you to get your shit! Are you fucking dumb?" Edd said angrily, startling tom as he hadn't even seen him come in. Edd wore a scowl.

"Edd I was. I'm too tired, and everything hurts. Just let me rest" he said in a soft sigh. Where had all his fight gone? His sass and sarcastic comments… Tom really had changed.

"Ugh! Why did I agree to live with you? Just being near you makes me angry!" 

"It's not my fault! All you do is yell at me over little things! Is it too much to rest because I'm in pain!?" He yelled back. 

"You know, tord hurt a lot during those two years" Tom's eyes widen at the mention of his name. Feeling his breathing began to quicken, he dragged his cheek through his teeth. "Even though he was suffering he still tried! He didn't give up and whine like a bitch! Why can't you show some respect and do something useful! It's the least you could do after what you did!"

Tom curled in on himself. He couldn't breath, couldn't even think straight. His heart was beating out of his chest, in hurt so much. "S-shut up! Shut up!" He whimpered loudly. Tears burned paths down his face and he screwed his eyes shut. It felt like he was drowning, gasping for air but none coming. 

God why now? Why here? Tom held himself weakly as his whole body shook with barely suppressed sobs. He tried to find something, anything to ground himself, but nothing was there. Pain was numb and didn't work. Tom could feel himself falling deeper into hysterics. Strong hands grabbed his arms and forced him to sit up. "L-let go" he sobbed brokenly, opening his eyes. It didn't do anything thought, as tears blurred everything.

"Tom!" The person, who he recognized as Matt said in a calming voice. "Tom, I need you to breath, okay? Follow me, in, out, in, out…" Tom tried follow, shakily taking in breaths. After what felt like forever he managed to calm down. His sobs turned to soft sniffles. "You okay now?" 

"Y-yeah," tom croaked. As much as he wanted to stay curled up against matt's side he knew it'd just give edd another reason to yell at him. He stood and shuffled to his room. He dug around one of his boxes and pulled out a big fluffy blanket. Tom collapsed onto his bed and pulled the blanket closer. All he wanted was to get along again. Tom was just too tired. 

_____

_ You woke up in a place that was both foreign yet so familiar. Your old room in the house you remember so well. You sat up and took it all in. Dark blue walls, asdf poster, and random clothes strewn about on your floor. Feeling your gut twist in discomfort you forced yourself to stand. You had to know how you got here. _

_ Walking out you found the house eerily quiet. That's when you noticed it, the smell of blood. Your feet moved on their own, leading you out into the living room. Standing there in all his glory stood tord, hospital mask sitting snug on his face and empty sockets expressing distaste. _

_ "Hello Tom" he said, accent thick. Words died on your tongue and you just didn't know what to say. That's okay, tord easily filled the silence. "It's been a long time, no? Three months since you killed me. Why'd you do it?" His voice was chipper, and he seemed rather happy for a dead person. _

_ "I- I don't know" You stammered. Why did you do it? Revenge? Fear? Blind angry and stupidity? Suddenly you were standing on the roof, the same roof where you threw him off. _

_ "All I wanted was to be your friend Thomas, why'd you do this to me?" He said as he approached you. Tord's voice held a hint of desperation. Looking over your shoulder you found yourself at the very edge of the building. You turned to him with a pleading look in your black eyes. "I changed, did everything I could not to become the man I once was. I thought we were past it. Were you still mad at me because of the incident? Is that what made you do it?" _

_ "I don't know!" You wailed brokenly. "I don't know. I thought that it needed to be done. I thought I wanted you dead! P-please" _

_ "So did I tom, I thought I had to kill you. Are you proud? Are you enjoying the money you were given?" His voice was dead and cold. Even if he no longer had eyes, you could feel his stare. "You took everything from me, then waited 2 years to take my life." _

_ "I'm sorry Tord. I'm so so sorry..." you croaked. Tears spilled down your face but This fact didn't seem to move tord. Why would it? You had killed him painfully. _

_ "I'm sorry too Tom. Safe travels!" without warning Tord shoved you back, sending you plummeting to your death. _

_ _____ _

"No!" Tom screamed, shooting up in bed. Gasping he looked around frantically. Dream? Was it a dream? Where was he? His breathing was shallow. It took a moment, but tom finally calmed down enough to take everything in. Tom was sitting up in his bed at the new house.

"I'm sorry" he whispered, wrapping himself tightly in his blanket. Unwanted memories flooded his mind, that day playing in his mind perfectly as if it happened yesterday. 

––––———

_ The day of tord's death _

Tom growled out in annoyance. As sick as tord was damn was he resilient. Tom had tried four times to kill him but that damn commie wouldn't die! He tried to tire him out by leaving him to take the stairs, Fail. Tried to poison his water, edd called and made him drop the damn cup! Tried to stab him in his sleep, somehow didn't work. Tried to hit him with a bat, got noticed and had to lie his way out.

"Why won't you fucking die!" He grumbled under his breath. As if on cue, Tord turned towards him, a questioning look in his remaining silver eye. Tom was talking to quietly for him to hear though, because he just shrugged and went back to watching T.V. 

Tom could already feel a headache coming on and decided to treat himself to a few bottles of Smirnoff for his spectacular bount of failures. It only took a bottle and a half before he was more than a little tipsy.

"Tom" tord said, coming up to him and placing a hand on his arm. "Edd said you shouldn't be drinking. Maybe you should stop, you might get sick. It's not even 10 am yet…" Despite the fact that most of his face was covered by the medical mask and bandages, tom could clearly see the genuine worry on his face and it pissed him off.

"Fuck off you commie bitch!" He spat, slapping Tord's hand away. Tord took a step back and stared at tom with a look of betrayal. "I don't fucking need your-hic- fucking pity! You–hic– ruined everything! You blew up our house! I don't fucking -hic- know why edd ever trust you again! All you–hic– you are is a fucking Communist bastered! I'm gonna fucking kill you and no one's gonna miss you!" Tom's voice dripped with venom, every word like a knife in tord's heart. Tom didn't care how he felt.

"T-tom…" Tord had tears in his eyes. His whole body shook like a leaf in the wind. "I didn't… I'm sorry. Please tom-" 

"C-commie~" Tom slurred. "Come here" he gripped the neck of the body and took a threatening step towards the Norwegian. 

"T-tom you're drunk. You don't have to do this. P-please" tord said, voice barely above a whisper as he backed away. This only served to enrage tom further.

"I said COME HERE!" Tom shrieked, throwing the bottle with all his strength at tord. It connected with tords head, shattering upon impact and leaving glass shards stuck in tords skin. Tom landed a right hook on the bleeding boy, knocking him to the ground. He straddled tord's chest and began punching him in rapid succession.

Tord tried to scream, but the only thing that came out was strangled wheezes. When Tom was satisfied, he stumbled over to the kitchen and grabbed a knife. Tord was trying to sit up, but tom easily kicked him back down. "Stay down!" He growled, holding the knife next to tords remaining eye. Tord stared up at him with desperation. Tom only chuckled, stabbing into the eye and wiggling the knife around as one would with a crowbar.

The eye popped out, hitting the floor with a wet 'splat' and rolling away. Next tom ripped off tord's mask and forced his mouth open. With a bit of cutting he managed to cut his tongue out, albeit a little messily. Tord choked up blood, some of it splattering on tom's face and clothes.

Wanting to go out with a bang, tom grabbed Tord and dragged him to the roof. He held him by the throat over the edge of the building. "Goodbye"

––––———

Tom sobbed into his hands brokenly. He hated it, tried so hard to push it from his mind. Wasn't he getting better? He thought he was, less sobbing, less nightmares. Turns out he was just lying to himself.

"I'm sorry~" he choked out. "I'm so so sorry. Please god Tord I'm sorry. Please" Tom didn't know who he was talking to, just that he needed to say sorry. Despite the blanket that hung loosely over his shoulders tom felt so fucking cold. Tremors shook his thin frame. 

"M just a monster. I'm sorry." Tom drew his knees up to his chest, letting pathetic sobs slip from trembling lips. Incoherent babbles filled his empty room. He didn't want this. He didn't want it at all. 

Isn't this what he wanted? Two years of planning only to regret everything. If he could take it back he would in a heart-beat. Tom flinched when he felt someone wrap their arms around him. He tried to fight against their hold, but he was too weak. 

"Shh~" they whispered softly, running their fingers through his hair. Their warmth surrounded him, making him snuggle closer. Soft murmurs of reassurance helped him see just a bit more clearly, thoughts buzzing around like white noise. 

"I'm sorry" he croaked."I didn't mean it, I didn't mean it. I thought this is what I wanted. Isn't this what i wanted!?" 

"I don't know tom, I don't know." They murmured. Tom suddenly shot back, eyes wide as he stared at the person who'd been helping him. Edd. The one person who hated him the most. He had tears of his own in his chocolate eyes.

"E-edd?" He stammered, shaking uncontrollable. Edd reached out to touch him but tom flinched away, pressing his back up against the bed board. "W-why?" 

"Tom… look" edd glance to the side, a look old hurt in his eyes. "I'm sorry. I know.. I've treated you horribly. I know it doesn't seem like it but I care about you, I was just so angry that I couldn't see that I was hurting you." Tears shone in the dim moonlight that poured in from his window. Tom couldn't understand though.

"B-but I killed tord. I'm a monster. Why wouldn't you hate me? ALL I DO IS HURT PEOPLE!" Tom screamed the last part, emotions pouring out of him. 

"Tom…." Edd pulled him into a hug, much to his dismay. "I'm so sorry. I never meant to make you feel this bad." Edd croaked, gripping tom tightly. Tom felt himself hugging back. Sobs filled the open air.

"I miss him edd, I miss him so much. I'm so sorry, I'm sorry. I want him back, I want tord." His voice was heavy with emotion, memories of all the good times he had with the norwegin playing in his mind. "Please edd, please I don't wanna live live this. I don't want this guilt."

"I know, I know it hurts. It's gonna get better, WE'RE gonna get better. I promise…" edd whimpered. Shaking finger combed through thick hair. "It's gonna be hard…"

"I don't want therapy. I don't-edd I can't do it-" Tom began to hyperventilate. He hated the thought of therapy, the thought of telling someone he didn't know everything. 

"Tom" edd grabbing his arms, forcing him to stare into his eye. "It's going to be alright. We have to try. I want to get better, I want to be your friend again. I don't want to yell at you and make you have attacks" His voice cracked and his shoulders shook. Edd's sobs broke Tom's heart. He just wanted him to be happy again.

"I'm scared. I'm so scared edd. Please, please don't leave me alone again.." Toms rasped, squeezing his eyes shut. "I don't wanna be alone" Edd didn't respond, only holding onto him tighter. They cried for a very long time, letting out all the pent up emotions. Tom was scared, so fucking scared. He was scared they'd judge him, call him a monster and have him be put in jail. Though isn't that what he deserved? 

"I'm not going to leave you. We're gonna get through this. Together…"


	2. Chapter 2

Edd entered Toms flat, face carefully blank. Did he hate the blue Brit? Of course he did… Didn't? Okay, so the answer wasn't as clear as he may have liked. On one hand, tom had killed edd's childhood friend. Tord had done nothing to deserve that, especially a death so painful. On the other hand, Tom was no doubt guilty. Tom was his friend as well, and no matter what he'd done edd couldn't help but care for the black eyed brit. Goddamn his god conscience.

"Hi edd.." Tom murmured in surprise, looking up from the stack of mail in his hands. He looked pale and his hair was wild and unkempt. Tom rarely drank anymore, yet if you told edd that tom was nursing a bad hangover he'd believe you. "What brings you here?"

"A few reasons…" edd could feel the familiar feeling of anger bubbling under his skin. Tom put the papers down on the coffee table as edd walked closer. "I was watching TV today when I saw something on the news…" Tom looked scared, but edd ignored the part of him telling him to stop. "Something about the Red leader..."

Toms eyes widen in fear. "Red leader…?" He breathed out shakily. He looked down righted terrified which only made edd even more mad. After all, what right did tom have to be so scared of the man he'd killed. "What did… what did you see?" 

"Apparently, the person who killed tord is receiving over a €1,000,000..." edd stood, towering overing tom threateningly. His fist shook with barely concealed rage. "Thomas… is this true?"

Tom looked down, fear and sadness in his body. He held up an envelope, the government stamp in the center. "He was extremely wanted.. He had a huge bounty over his head i-" Edd punched tom in the face cutting him off. Tom bumped into a table, knocking down everything on it.

"You knew!" He spat angrily. "You knew it and you killed him! Is this the reason? Because you knew you'd be rewarded rather than punished?!"

"You don't understand!" Tom said, taking a few steps back. Tears welled up in his inky black eyes, but edd just couldn't seem to care. The voice of reason was so distant it might as well not even exist. 

"Understand? What more do I need to fucking understand tom!? You killed tord! You killed him and you're being paid for it!" Edd punched him again, hot tears threatening to fall.

"I never wanted this! The money was never the reason!" Tom yelled, fruitlessly fighting eds off of him. It didn't work as tom had gotten weaker since then. Edd only punched him again.

"Huh, so the money was just an added bonus!? And to think you regretted it!" 

"Shut up! Shut up… Why can't you see I'm sorry.?" Tom sobbed, actually landed a hit on edd. He wriggled his way out from underneath him and backed away quickly, sending a vase to the floor with a crash. "You never listen."

"I don't listen to murders! Im sorry won't fucking bring him back now will it!?" 

"Neither will fighting me!" 

"Shut up!" Edd grabbed the nearest thing, which happened to be a TV remote, and chucked it right at tom's head. He hit tom again and again, not even in control anymore. "Shut up shut up! I hate you with everything in him!" 

Strong hands pulled him back, and brown eyes met blue. Matt held him back, making are he wouldn't lunghe at tom again. "What the hell edd!?" He said, glaring at him with disappointment in his eyes. How could he side with tom!?

"Matt! Let me go!" Edd cried, weakly fighting against his hold.

"What happened!? You can just keep doing this!" Matt growled out. He clearly wasn't going to let edd go until he got an explanation. 

"He..he's paid by the government. Matt he getting money for killing tord." Edd said, still glaring at tom. Tom was holding his head, shoulders shaking ever so slightly. Matt's grip slackened as he took in what edd said in shock. That shock soon turned to anger and his grip grew painfully tight.

"Edd, go to our flat, I'll deal with him." Matt said after a moment of silence. Edd wanted to fight back but decided against it. With a sigh he left, keeping his head down. 

______

"This is going to take a century and a half to unpack!" Edd said, pointing to the mountain of boxes that were stacked in their new living room. It took at least an hour to get everything into the house and put down all the big pieces of furniture, like the couch tom was currently sprawled out on. "Stop lying around and doing something!" He screamed at tom.

"I'm tired edd, I've been working and lifting things since yesterday. Not to mention I had to find this place," Tom said. While edd recognized this and that tom probably did need to rest, the little part of his brain that made him rage decided to take over for a bit

"You're tired? I'm fucking tired of having to put up with you! If we don't get this done now we never will! It was your idea to move anyways! Now stop being a lazy bitch and put your stuff in your room!" Edd snapped. Once he was done he stormed off with his own boxes in hand. Tom always made him so angry! And he wasn't even doing anything! He reached his and matta new room and dumped the box down on his bed. Matt followed close behind, putting his box on the floor.

"We really need to work on that anger of yours." matt said, shaking his head. Pouting edd stomped out the room, grateful to not run into Tom as he grabbed another box. "You can't just run away from all your problems Darling."

"Fucking watch me." edd said smugly. Of course matt only rolled his eyes and pecked his lips. "I'm great at running!"

"You're a dork and a procrastinator, why I love you so much will forever remain a mystery." Edd snorted before going back out to the living room. Tom was back to lying on the couch and his stuff was still everywhere. Great.

"Tom! I thought I told you to get your shit! Are you fucking dumb?" Edd spat, causing tom to flinch violently.

"Edd I was. I'm too tired, and everything hurts. Just let me rest" he said in a soft sigh. Where had all his fight gone? His sass and sarcastic comments… Tom really had changed.

"Ugh! Why did I agree to live with you? Just being near you makes me angry!" 

"It's not my fault! All you do is yell at me over little things! Is it too much to rest because I'm in pain!?" He yelled back. 

"You know, tord hurt a lot during those two years" Tom's eyes widen at the mention of his name. His breathing quickened and he chewed on his cheek. He did that a lot whenever tord was mentioned. "Even though he was suffering he still tried! He didn't give up and whine like a bitch! Why can't you show some respect and do something useful! It's the least you could do after what you did!"

Tom curled in on himself. His breathing was concerningly fast, and edd noted he was having a panic attack. "S-shut up! Shut up!" He whimpered loudly. Matt sighed, sending edd an unimpressed glare. Not wanted to stick around edd went off to his room, ducking under the blankets and listening. It wasn't fair. He shouldn't have to deal with tom, should care about a monster like him. It just wasn't fair.

* * *

Opening his eyes, Edd found himself resting on a hill. It was unfamiliar and he was confused as to why he was here. As far as he could see it was just grass with a few flowers here and there. They were very pretty red flowers.  _ Tord'  _ his mind screamed but edd ignored it. Thinking about the Norwegian almost always led to a break down. 

Edd stood up and began to walk up the hill. It seems his feet had a mind of their own. The scenery didn't change much, red flowers disappearing and being replaced by blue. They reminded him of tom. Anger filled him momentarily, but he was quickly able to push past it. Finally edd reached the top. The grass was scored, and a few places were dabbed with dark crimson. 

Sitting at the very edge was a boy. He had a messy brown mullet with 2 tufts that almost resembled horns. His back was facing edd and he seemed to be enjoying the view. "T-tord..?" Edd's voice shook as he took a step forward. The person didn't turn around, Didn't even acknowledge edd at all. Edd was about to leave when the boy spoke.

"Come sit edd, we have much to talk about and not much time." His voice had a thick Norwegian accent. Tord, he was here. Edd stumbled over, falling to his knee's nexts to him. 

"T-tord! How? What's happening?" He gasped. Millions of thoughts ran through his head and it was difficult to pick one out from the blur. Tord didn't look at him though, as if he was forced to stare up ahead. Edd followed his line of sight, curious to see what his friend was so fixated on.

Down below lay the empty land where their house once stood. This must have been where tord landed after the robot incident. "Do you still hate me? For what I did?" Tord said, voice flat and empty. 

"Of course not! I could never hate you! You're my friend, and I love you no matter what." Edd said, surprised that Tord would ever think such a thing. Tord hummed, tugging on his pastel hoodie. 

"Isn't tom your friend?" 

Edd paused for a moment. How was he supposed to respond? It wasn't really a yes or no answer. "It's complicated… can we not talk about him?"

"You know, I was a horrible person" tord said softly. It was hard to tell if he even heard edd. "I tried to take over the world, lead an army. Hell, I tried to kill you! I killed Jon… How could you ever forgive someone like me?" Tord's voice was empty, as if his words held no weight. Did he even care?

"Because I love you tord. You're my friend and I know that you made a mistake. I know you regretted it, and that was enough for me. Seeing you broken like that made me feel sick…" edd closed his eyes to stop his tears. 

"What's so different about me and tom?" Edd eyes shot open and he found tord now facing him, empty sockets seemingly staring at him. Despite the medical mask covering his face edd could tell he was frowning.

"Don't you ever compare yourself to him!" Edd spat angrily. Tord flinched. "F-fuck. Look, I'm sorry for yelling-"

"Why?" Tord interrupted him. "What's the difference between us?"

"Toms a monster! He killed you! You didn't do anything to deserve it!" Edd screamed. 

"Didn't I try to kill him? Didn't I kill jon? Why is he a monster but I'm not?" Tords voice was still calm, but somehow held anger and accusation.

"No! I- he…i mean- I DON'T KNOW!" Edd gripped his hair, tears streaming down his face. He didn't know! Tord had a point and it angered him. Edd didn't want to like tom, he didn't want to be his friend. After all he was a murderer… "shut up! Shut up shut up!"

"You care about him, I know you do. So why? Why do you treat him the way you do?" 

"I…He killed you… I want to be mad, I want to react the way everyone would. I don't want to be the person who just forgives people…" edd allowed his hands to fall. Tord gently held Edd's cheek, meeting his eye.

"Edd, you shouldn't be ashamed to forgive. You forgave me because you knew I had made a mistake and I regretted it, right? Well so does tom. Please, just give him a chance. You have a bigger effect on him than you think." Tord lowered his mask to give him a smile.

"Tord…" 

"This is a dream so try not to forget what I've told you. Now, you should wake up before you forget how to." 

* * *

Edd gasped, eyes flying open. His body shook and his breathing was shaky and uneven. A dream. It was a dream? Edd took another shaky breath, sitting up and taking a moment to think over what he just saw. Was he so guilty as to dream up tord of all people to tell him to stop being a dick? Looking over edd was relieved to see matt was still asleep. He gently brushed a strand of hair from his face, just admiring his face. Matt really was beautiful. 

Once edd breathing had returned to normal he decided on some tea to calm his nerves. He carefully stood up and made his way to the kitchen. Whines and cries sounded from toms door but edd just ignored them. A voice in his head that sounded suspiciously like tord told him he should go check on tom. Edd chose to ignore that voice. 

He entered the kitchen and grabbed a teapot. He put it on the stove and turned up the head. Edd grabbed a tea bag and a mug and slipped onto a bench at the island. His mind drifted to the dream he had. Why had it felt so real? He could still feel tord's touch…. Could still hear his voice… 

"Be more nice, huh?" He said, resting his head on his hand. There was no way, he couldn't. Tom didn't…. Edd took a shaky breath, tears welling up in his chocolate brown eyes. Tom didn't deserve this. Tord was right, he did care for the brit. "I'm a piece of shit, aren't I?" He asked to nobody. Removing the pot from the stove, edd chose check up on tom first. 

Edd stood in front of his door, listening to the tiny cries and whimpers. '_Please, just give him a chance. You have a bigger effect on him than you think'_ edd shook his head and entered. Tom was curled up on himself, a blanket hanging half of his shoulders.

"I'm sorry~" he choked out. "I'm so so sorry. Please god Tord I'm sorry. Please" Edd felt like his heart was ripped from his chest. Why? He'd never been this affected by toms crying before. Because he'd always been angry at those times. Now he was just tired, tired and emotional. 

"M' just a monster. I'm sorry." Tom drew his knees up to his chest, letting pathetic sobs slip from trembling lips. Incoherent babbles filled his room. Edd took a step closer to the bed, unable to utter a single word.

This was his fault. He was an awful friend. Could he even call himself that anymore? Look at Tom, at how broken he'd become, it hurt edd much more than he thought it would. Edd climbed onto the bed, tom not even noticing him. He pulled tom into a hug, feeling tears slip down his cheeks. Tom weakly fought against his hold, but was too weak.

"Shh~" Edd whispered. He ran his fingers through toms hair gently, murmuring soft words of comfort. Tom stopped fighting, instead leaning into Edd's touch. His breathing was a little less erratic.

"I'm sorry" he croaked. Tom gripped Edd's shirt tightly. "I didn't mean it, I didn't mean it. I thought this is what I wanted. Isn't this what i wanted!?" 

"I don't know tom, I don't know." Edd mumbled softly. Suddenly tom shot back, a look of horror on his face. Edd felt even worse now, watching the gears turn in his head as he grew increasingly more scared.

"E-edd?" He said in disbelief. Edd reached out to touch him be he flinched away, scooting back until his back hit the headboard. "W-why?" 

"Tom… look" Edd looked off to the side. He couldn't even face the Brit. "I'm sorry. I know.. I've treated you horribly. I know it doesn't seem like it but I care about you, I was just so angry that I couldn't see that I was hurting you." Tears shone in the dim moonlight that poured in from Tom's window.

"B-but I killed tord. I'm a monster. Why wouldn't you hate me? ALL I DO IS HURT PEOPLE!" Tom screamed the last part, emotions pouring out of him. 

"Tom…." Edd pulled him into a hug. "I'm so sorry. I never meant to make you feel this bad." Edd croaked, gripping tom tightly. He was a horrible person.

"I miss him edd, I miss him so much. I'm so sorry, I'm sorry. I want him back, I want tord." His voice was heavy with emotion. Memories flood his mind, of the four of them. "Please edd, please I don't wanna live like this. I don't want this guilt."

"I know, I know it hurts. It's gonna get better, WE'RE gonna get better. I promise…" edd whimpered. Shaking finger combed through thick hair. "It's gonna be hard…"

"I don't want therapy. I don't-edd I can't do it-" Tom began to hyperventilate. He shook uncontrollable, and his eyes were glossy.

"Tom" Edd forced him to face him, blinking away his own tears. "It's going to be alright. We have to try. I want to get better, I want to be your friend again. I don't want to yell at you and make you have attacks..." Edd pulled him closer again. His voice cracked.

"I'm scared. I'm so scared edd. Please, please don't leave me alone again.." Toms rasped, squeezing his eyes shut. "I don't wanna be alone.." Edd didn't respond, only holding onto him tighter. They cried for a very long time, letting out all the pent up emotions. Edd was going to do his best to get better. He had to, for him, for tom, and for tord.

"I'm not going to leave you. We're gonna get through this. Together…"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uncreative so I gave us a bit of Edd's view on things.

**Author's Note:**

> :p Gonna be slow updates. Sry. Also you can find this on wattpad so yeah.


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